My (Literal) History of Food
Key takeaway: I have always had to balance diet and exercise in order to look and feel my best, it has never been easy to keep myself at a healthy weight. I’ve had some ups and downs, but ultimately through dedication to finding out what works for me and my body both through cooking and exercise, I have come to find myself in the most sustainable relationship with food I have ever had.
Because hey… you might want some light reading on a Tuesday:
I think it’s important to share my ever complex relationship with food, and why I have created this website and brand. If anyone remotely resonates with my struggles, then I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone - and that you can get to a place where you feel a bit more in control of your relationship with food. So bare with me while I bare it all for you, because sharing is caring.
I started helping my Mom in the kitchen at a very young age, so young I don’t quite remember how old I was. I recall asking her if my cousin and I could bake something - when we were about 6. My Mom asked if I’d like recipe to follow and I said “No, we’ll just make it up as we go”.
A very bold statement for a six year old with very little kitchen experience, save the hours spent with my Easy-Bake Oven.
As you can imagine, what followed was a disaster of ingredients poured, mixed, and shaken into a bowl and cooked into an inedible loaf. Inedible or not - this experience sparked my love for experimentation.
I wanted to make mistakes and turn those mistakes into something worthwhile. I wanted to figure it out on my own. I remember that strong inclination to follow my instincts, to play, to have fun and create in the kitchen. The funny thing is - that playfulness never dissipated, I have never been satisfied by simply following a recipe and as a result I have become a better, more unexpected cook that I could have imagined.
I observed and assisted my mother in the kitchen for many years, following her guidance, and unknowingly absorbing her knowledge into my spongey brain which I would later turn into decent culinary results - and sometimes not so decent I had a mentor, whose cooking (but even more so baking) could not be compared to. My Mom taught me how to take the cheapest of ingredients and turn them into something amazing. It turns out that yeast, flour, water, salt, and eggs aren’t that expensive but make a damn fine bread.
I have two older brothers and father who was raised on the farm - and they can eat- a lot. I distinctly remember my Mom laying out the evening meal and everyone scrambling to fill their plates. I remember going back for seconds after greedily scarfing down my firsts, scared that I wouldn’t get any more of the delicious food she had prepared because it would soon be gone - engulfed by a sea of ravenous growing boys. These instances developed into habit, and soon enough I always ate fast, always went for seconds, and always ate unanimous amounts of carbs (cuz when there is fresh bread you ain’t turning it down).
I love food, I have always loved food, but I was courted into a toxic relationship with it from nearly the beginning. It started as a race, as a competition because if I didn’t hurry up and start taking seconds that food would soon be gone and I truly just wanted more of it. That is one of the biggest joys as a child. Don’t you remember being allowed a certain treat or indulgence and just going absolutely insane? I feel as a kid, you don’t have as many complex pleasures in life - you are limited to the joy that food, toys, and birthday parties can bring. I had no intention of floundering my food experiences, I was going to enjoy every last ounce.
But this attitude and behaviour led to what you can already imagine - an overweight child with body image insecurities. I never understood why I looked the way I did and my friends didn’t. They were all adorably petite with their slim figures and two piece bathing suits while I felt bad no matter what I wore. It was a strange feeling to be so completely aware of how unfitting I looked and felt at such a young age.
I recall playing at my cousin’s house when I was probably around 10 years old, and we had engaged the neighbour boys in a friendly water fight. All the girls rushed inside to change into their bathing suits, giddily giggling to one another about who they would target and how fun it would be. I locked myself in the bathroom and refused to come out, and I remember hearing the girls run up the stairs and out into the street leaving me behind. My auntie knocked softly on the door, I had told the other girls I wasn’t feeling good, but she wasn’t buying it. I remember crying my eyes out saying that I didn’t like the way I looked in a bikini and she held me and told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world. She told me it was ok, and everyone feels bad about how they look sometimes, but I shouldn’t let that stand in the way of having fun with my friends, that I shouldn’t let it affect my life because no one ever feels perfect. I can’t thank her enough for this, she had special gift knowing just what to say.
By the time I was 14 I abruptly lost a lot of weight, and I have no idea what this is attributed to. Perhaps the loss of “baby fat” as some family friends boldly stated to my face, or perhaps it was a change in my demeanour and eating habits entering my pubescent stage - either way I was skinny for an entire one year of my life before things changed again. I was traditionally thin for all of the eighth grade- and even then when I looked in the mirror I saw the same chubby child I had seen my entire life. I never felt skinny enough - even at my smallest. Which I think is an important note for most people to hear.
Even when you lose weight or gain muscle, sometimes it’s difficult to every truly see it. We still see the “societal” imperfections, we still see who we once were, we still focus on those last few pounds instead of acknowledging how far we have actually come. It’s the sad truth, but I am happy to say that can be changed with the right frame of mind. A big part of adjusting that mindset is deciding what you find beautiful, as there is no one definition, one weight, or one pants size that determines how good you are going to feel about yourself. Feeling beautiful or confident radiates outwardly from how you treat your body.
I, in no way, want to imply that you have to be skinny to be beautiful. I always felt that to be true growing up because that’s what society and the media told me I should look like. That’s what I saw on TV and in the movies - tall, skinny, symmetrical faced, and perfectly curved girls being praised. But I learned through various struggles with different diets that by trying to look like all of those images I saw every day - I was trying to achieve something unrealistic and unhealthy for me. Turns out that if I want to weigh 110 pounds and look bony I can’t eat anything more than some lettuce and water - and that’s going to be a hard no for me.
I was “skinny” for a year until I really went through puberty. The thing about puberty and young girls is that it often comes with weight gain. And I was right back to feeling uncomfortable in my body. Pubescent estrogen spikes combined with a driver’s license and access to fast food at any time, along with the binge-drinking habits of any teenager in a small town and you have yourself the perfect recipe for weight gain. I was still playing sports and going to the gym throughout all of high school, I have in fact always been very active, but diet was such an important factor in determining my health that it didn’t matter. And I just hadn’t figured it out yet.
I went into university with better cooking skills than the majority of the friends I made, and I was still cooking healthier than most people I knew. I started seeing and feeling some of the results of my good cooking habits....until I went to Europe for six months and gained a whopping 20 pounds (Italy - pizza, pasta, bread, cheese!). Whoops there goes all my progress. I came back to Canada at 20 years old, at my all time heaviest - feeling absolutely horrible about myself, feeling desolate, and uninspired like I couldn’t lose weight no matter how hard I tried.
But luckily I came back home to my amazing Mother, who at nearly fifty years old had turned her body around during my absence. After dedicating herself to “moving more and eating less” (her mantra) my Mom managed to lose some stubborn weight and become stronger and more energized than ever.
My whole perception changed. Here she was, she had done it, at FIFTY, she had LOST weight. It WAS possible. I couldn’t believe it. My fate was not sealed, I was not doomed to a body I couldn’t control. I could do anything I set my mind to. I spent that summer working out and cooking healthy meals with my Mom and getting my body and health back on track. In a few short months I was fitter then I had ever been. But that being said I was on a pretty restrictive diet during that time and I knew I couldn’t live on 1000 calories a day forever, I had to find a way to craft a sustainable lifestyle.
It was from there when I moved back to Saskatoon for university that I got invested in Pinterest, utilizing it to find healthy recipes and alternatives, and where I started experimenting with my cooking and focusing on my nutrition while committing to working out and finding my way to make healthy food taste good.
My weight did fluctuate throughout my university years, alcohol and late night Dominoes orders certainly didn’t help, but throughout that time I experienced a huge learning curve in experimental cooking that would continue to shape my life and body.
Following university I embarked on an exciting and carb-fuelled four month adventure through South East Asia, I was right back to being overweight and unhappy by the time I arrived home to start my career in marketing. Ironically, what really saved me upon getting home was getting let go from my first career job. Although I started out feeling even more desolate and lost, not having anything but time to focus on getting myself back to a healthy place was the best thing that could have happened to me.
My best friend, @Blairejo (insta - give her a follow) made a pact in Bali - romanced by the yogi culture- that we were going to step up our dedication to our yoga practice upon arriving back in Canada, and that’s exactly what we did.
I also wanted another form of exercise that would keep me interested and motivated (and allowed me to PUNCH THINGS). During my undergraduate degree I mostly did weight lifting and cardio at the gym and the idea of starting over in that setting seemed particularly daunting. I decided to get a membership at a thirty minute kick-boxing circuit gym. Within a month of not having a job my days started to take a new shape, I would attend both an hour long yoga class and an hour long boxing session - every. single. day.
In the meantime I decided that in order to lose weight I would need to find a new diet program that would help me to do that. So I tried the Keto diet (but I’ll dive into that full experience in a separate blog post). Within four months, I had a part-time job to keep a bit of money coming in, I had lost weight, and I was feeling stronger than I ever I had.
It was also during my unemployment that I started making food videos on Snapchat (truly because I had so much time having no job and all that) and I was receiving positive feedback on them in return. Focusing on something that I was good at, and working within the parameters of a new diet meant that I had to learn to get creative with my ingredients and recipes so that I was still excited to eat despite having restrictions.
Within six months I started my job at the company I work for now, I felt and looked healthier than I ever had, and my dedication to boxing and yoga was unwavering. I should stress that I don’t weigh myself anymore, I don’t believe weight is the best indication of health.
Now it’s two years later, I don’t eat strict Keto anymore, as the creative in me didn’t want to be limited to the food types in that diet. But because I got myself to a healthy place and I have maintained an active and healthy lifestyle through trying numerous and various activities I am able to eat a little more freely than I could when I was focused on losing weight as a primary goal.
The ultimate lesson I have learned when it comes to my diet and exercise - is that there is no end goal. The goal is instead to do something everyday that physically challenges me and makes me feel stronger, and to eat to fuel myself with the right balance and combination of nutrients to make me feel satisfied, energized, and happy (without sacrificing flavour - obvs).
Changing my mindset about what I was trying to accomplish, would ensure that I never stop doing good things for myself once I hit a certain goal weight or finally fit into some old jeans. If those are my goals, then there is a limitation placed on what I am trying to accomplish and a lack of motivation to continue once I reach them.
Also, armed with the confidence and knowledge that I will never stop working out - makes me feel fine about ordering some pizza and drinking beer on a Saturday night or treating myself to a croissant on Sunday morning. I don’t feel as guilty as I used to about eating treats because I am dedicated to a lifestyle not trying to lose a quick twenty pounds. Now - my primary goal is dedication to maintaining a healthy, everlasting, and ever-evolving relationship to food and my body.